So I keep meaning to talk about this. A long time ago I wrote a post called “Shapes” and it is actually the most frequently visited post on my blog. Unfortunately, the reason for this is actually so that people can view the image of the guy I claimed had an “ideal beauty.” From what I can gather most people google image search that phrase, and my post shows up. I assume most people don’t really read the post, but I do get several downloads of that image everyday.
Well it is now 2010, almost 2 years have passed since I wrote about my whole weight struggle, and everywhere I look as of late I am faced inundated with images and other things that have made me want to revisit this issue on my blog.
For starters, I have fallen in love with the ABC Family show “Huge” A show which is from the guy who made “My So Called Life.” Much like MSCL this show is easy to fall in love with, but it particularly hits home for me on every episode I have seen. The characters all struggle with their weight for some reason or another, and it was so refreshing to see a show that was dedicated to showing that teenagers of size also have their own issues outside of body issues. If you haven’t had a chance to see it I recommend it. It is touching, and it is also just a comfort to see a show that isn’t full of perfect looking people.
In addition to my love of “Huge” I have also begun reading “Born Round” which is a biography of Frank Bruni the former New York Times Food Critic. I’m only a 1\3 of the way into it, but it is creepily similar to my life. I keep having to put the book down because I find reading his story difficult due to the overwhelming amount of similarities we share.
Finally, there is the fact that I am in the process of job hunting. Whereas it is true I am free to do whatever I want with my days, I have only one goal. Get employed. With only BBE’s income to sustain us, I feel like a leech, and although he is perfectly fine with my lapse in employment, it is still hard on me personally. As a result I try not to use the fact I have all day to workout to my advantage, rather I tell myself I need to act like I am employed. This means I wake-up, go for a morning run/jog/walk (I do all three, and I feel guilty because I do it for an hour) then I return to my study and search for various jobs to apply for. I feel better about the applications I’ve sent this week, but it is still a hard process as you so rarely hear back from anyone.
When I look at my body I don’t know what to think anymore. I feel I look different, older, but I don’t know what I look like as compared to anything else. I see pictures of me from my skinnier days and marvel that I was ever that size, but I don’t think “I’ll be that skinny again.” I think “Why didn’t I realize I was skinny?”
I don’t think of myself as “fat” but I don’t think of myself as “skinny” or even “average.” This has left me with the impression that I am “My size” which sounds empowering, but I don’t really see it that way. I see myself as not fitting in. I struggle with this, and seeing as I have many important life events in the not too distant future (wedding) I feel like I’ve got a reason to get back into shape.
My trip to non-eating-disorder-health has been to use a little iPhone/iPad/iTouch App called “My Fitness Pal” It seems like a good idea. It basically includes something that helps you catalog your daily nutritional intake, and has an exercise tracker. The fact that I feel the need to record my intake and output on a daily basis has given me a sort of consciousness of making healthier choices (although I did have vanilla ice cream this week.) What I like about it is that I stop before I eat and think about what it is I am putting in my body. This moment of pause has actually led to healthier habits, and I appreciate that.
In reading my “Shapes” post I feel a little guilty. I was so full of hope that I would be a thinner me by this point. In truth, I am at best 4 or 5 pounds lighter, and I am more than likely the exact same. However, since it is my most popular post I’d like to post the following picture:
The image I originally used to describe the “Ideal male body” actually belongs to a famous korean actor his name is Kwon-Sang-Woo. I feel he deserves a little credit since people love that post for some reason.