Therapy again – Refusing to turn around

So something strikes me as I do this one. I always write first, and then find a picture. In this case, the image is exactly what I wanted. Scarily so. Perhaps next week I will review images, and then take them for a 5 minute fiction spin.

Experiment with another 5 minutes:

When I get like this, sad and pensive, I try never to close my eyes. If I do, I see her, well rather I see her back. Her shoulders squared, a first line of defense, her hair still, not moving, another shield, and I know she will never turn around. Never face me, see me, speak to me, forgive me. Was what I said such a crime? So awful that I am to be erased. I should never close my eyes when I think on this, and yet I feel I must. I have impossible hope that if I remember those few moments again and again I can see what I should have said, and then I can tell her. Tell her it wasn’t what she did. It was me. Not her. Was that what I should have said? It was not just me, it wasn’t just her. We were both involved, and yet, should I have said it was me to protect her? Is that the duty of a child? To take shield guilt from his own parents? No. No. No. I recognized my part in this. I fought my monsters, and they were so much harder to slay. Why couldn’t she? An adult was certainly better equipped, she had weapons I never had.

I try to stop this thought, but it haunts me still. Is this a new monster for me to slay? Can I do that? It would feel more like matricide, and it is much harder to kill something you love. That you know loves you too.

Silence is like death. In both, we do not exist in the same realm.

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2 Comments

  1. Tiffany said,

    October 5, 2008 at 2:34 pm

    *BIG hugs*

  2. gregminton said,

    October 5, 2008 at 5:14 pm

    Hey! Nice blog!
    Greg


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