Bitter Sweet


So since I have come to Arkansas for the summer, things have been different.

For starters, BBE is still in NYC/Hoboken while I am here. This is the longest we have ever been apart and it is not easy. I was never a big fan of long distance romance, although the idea of letter writing is beautifully romantic. I told myself that I would eventually get used to sleeping without him, but it has not happened yet. I am slowly trying to wean myself off of drinking wine before bed just to fall asleep.

I have been telling myself for most of our relationship, that it is okay that I gained weight, because I am happy. When I was skinny, I was not happier, just thinner. This certainly appears to have been the absolute truth, because without seeing BBE’s face as he comes home from work has certainly lowered my smile count while I stay in Arkansas.

It is hard to fight depression, even though I am doing everything right. It is still a battle, and some days I win and others I lose.

However, there are things about Arkansas that I have enjoyed. One is just existing in a house that is large, with rooms bigger than most of our apartment. I’ve also been able to demonstrate to my parents how committed I am to the financial arrangement we made regarding my survival of law school without loans. I don’t think they see how sad I am about being back in AR, but I do think they note that it is hard for me.

My job is actually kind of wonderful. I feel like the prodigal son having returned. Many of the same people are at the firm, and I am greeted with a new found respect that comes from actually getting out, getting into law school, and coming back wiser and better than I was when I left. I also enjoy a lot of the work I do. Some of it is kind of boring, but none of it is bad or as mind numbing as document review. I feel involved, and the lawyers treat my like an equal. After reading what others are doing this summer, I truly considered my summer associate position a blessing.

Returning to Arkansas does have some good points. I am amazed at the fact that I can tell a difference in the air. I never thought about breathing smog in NYC, but I certainly can tell I’m breathing much purer oxygen here. I am also finally able to actually reconnect with acquaintances of my prior life. I decided I would have dinner and drinks with a whole host of people I used to see at Easy Street Piano Bar on a weekly basis. I am not rushed, trying to see everyone in one night, and I enjoy getting to actually learn about what has happened in their lives.

Still, I would trade it all to be back in NYC, laying out in central park watching BBE read the New York Times like it is the bible. When I am with him, my face cannot help but smile. Without him, it takes a little effort.


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