Instead of resolving to do something in 2013….

Looking in mirror

This post is kind of self-help in language, so if you don’t like reading about people announcing to the universe their desire to change themselves for the better, I’d skip this. I usually hate reading it too, but this blog is meant to be a collection of my thoughts, and this is something I wanted to have on the record.

It occurred to me that as 2012 comes to a close, I have a lot of things I want to do. Life goals/aspirations, that I’d felt too guilty or unable to pursue, because my fruitless job search had bogged me down into a deep depression. In 2012 my goal was was simple to say, I wanted my novel to be read by people. Now, when I announced this aspiration, I meant the public at large. However I have had about 15 people read it, and it was nice to have that. I usually make some sort of resolution each year, but it rarely sticks (though I did lose 75 pounds the one year I ever kept my resolution!) So instead of “resolving” to do some new things in 2013. I created a list of things I just want to do. Things I usually think of as “Wouldn’t it be nice if I did that!” A good example is that my husband and I always say we should create a “poker night” for our male friends (many of whom have girlfriends\wives who do a book club). This year, I’m going to stop saying we should do it, and just do it again.

When I lived in AR, I was kind of a social event planner. Now granted, the events usually were the same each week (Friday night watch movie, Saturday night have wine and song at a piano bar, midnight meal at diner, Sunday brunch, repeat) I was good at getting people to do things. However, doing that takes a lot of planning and effort. And the older I’ve become the more expectations I feel are foisted upon events that I plan. Whenever we throw a party, whereas once I might have simply bought a few bottles of wine and laid out some cocktail books with the extensive liquor cabinet I had (though I rarely drank hard liquor back then.) Now, I spend a good 3 hours the night before chopping fruit for enough Sangria to probably fill more than a Magnum bottle. [in fact I often have to buy special containers for it!] and I also cook food for about 3 – 6 hours the day of. Now do I HAVE to do this? No. I enjoy it. I like throwing parties,  and have learned how to accurately set expectations of how involved the party planning will be. So what’s my point? Basically I’ve lost sight of a the mid-point. I am either completely lazy or super involved (some would say overly involved). The beauty of my AR event planning was that it was more middle of the road. I think I was just tired of being the only one who did it! So when I didn’t have to (my husband explained that my friends would figure out what to do with themselves if I stopped planning everything) I never wanted to be thrust back into a situation where I felt the need to do be the “go to” person for a lot of things. Instead I took a lot of “assistant” roles.

So I think I’m ready to get back to being more active. I think my body will be happy to return to the gym/yoga/pilates (of course it’ll take 2 weeks for it to really be happy about this decision!). I think my brain will be happy to once again return to using some portions that have been neglected. And perhaps most importantly, I think my soul will be happy to once again have me singing everyday (even if it is only in my home office!).

So I’m not “resolved” to changing myself for the better in 2013. I’m excited about it! Because I don’t HAVE to. I WANT to!